Just Breathe

 "He uncovers mysteries hidden in the darkness; 

He brings light to the deepest gloom."
Job 12:22

On Thursday, August 3, 2017, I received a much anticipated phone call from my pulmonologist at Kaiser. His voice was shaky and his phone demeanor was subdued. It was not difficult to figure out that he was not calling to share good news. I listened as he gave me news that I had prepared myself for, but hoping I woud not receive -- "I am so sorry, Ms. Smith, you have Stage III Lung Cancer/Adenocarcinoma."  I listened carefully for details that I knew my children would want me to provide, but there weren't many. Things would start moving quickly - Pet Scan to determine if the cancer has metastisized, appointment with a medical oncologist and appointment with radiation oncologist. More waiting, more wondering, more praying, more trusting God for the next thing.

The 4-way phone call to my children was difficult, but they handled it well for my sake. It became obvious to me we were just being strong for each other, and silently understood that we would fall apart after hanging up. I promised to keep them updated as appointments were made. We agreed to do our own research and begin to look for available information about this type of cancer.

Three months ago I began my journey as my doctor tried to determine why I had chronic laryngitis. She finally ordered a chest x-ray and an opaque area showed up. She suspected a mass, but wanted me to have a CT Scan as soon as possible.  I led a mission trip to Kentucky with some hesitation, but I knew God would strengthen me for the week ahead, even though my breathing was labored and I talked like Minnie Mouse. My team prayed over me and picked up the slack for me when I needed it most.  While in Kentucky, one of the songs we sang almost every day, was "Great Are You Lord." The chorus of the song is as follows:

                                                           "It's Your breath in our lungs

So we pour out our praise

We pour out our praise

It's Your breath in our lungs

So we pour out our praise to you only."

The tears began to flow as I realized this song was for me; chosen without my knowledge by a God who knew exactly what I would need. A song that God would use to remind me over and over that week and beyond, that He is the breath in my lungs, and in the midst of great uncertainty and some fear, I would still thank Him and praise Him. It will be my theme throughout this blog as He physically gives me the breath in my lungs, but also sustains me at the times when I need to just breathe and trust Him.

I returned from Kentucky and had a CT Scan and a meeting with a Head and Neck dr. The Head and Neck doctor explained that the mass was pushing up against the nerve going from the lung to the larynx. In the process, my left vocal cord was paralyzed. There is a treatment, but it was suggested that I wait until there was a diagnosis. A collagen injection will hopefully rejuvenate the vocal cord, but usually only temporairily.

My primary care dr called me and said she had the results of the CT Scan, was very concerned, and that she had moved heaven and earth to get me into a pulmonologist the next day to talk about the 5cm mass in my thoracic cavity.  Not coincidentally, all three of my children were in town so they were able to attend this meeting. The dr. explained where the mass was, that it was inoperable, because it was wrapped around the organs in the thoracic cavity, and that a bronchoscopy (needle biopsy) would need to be done as soon as possible. The dr hugged me and said "It's going to be okay." I thought, "Yes, it will be, no matter the outcome. It will be okay."  As we walked out, I felt overwhelming peace flood over me from a Savior who gives the kind of peace the world cannot give.

The biopsy was done on Friday, July 28th, and the dr who performed the procedure talked with us afterward, stating the tissue was abnormal, but that he was unable to determine if it was cancer. We were hopeful. Six days later I received the phone call stating I had lung cancer.

I am writing this blog so that I can document this journey of Hope, on a road with twists and turns, uncharted territory, perilous paths, and unexpected surprises, with a God who is the unltimate travel guide because He is not surprised by any of this; He has traveled this road many times before. But, also, so my children, grandchildren, family and friends can walk alongside of me. I promise not all the posts will be this long (I hope!), but I wanted to begin by sharing with you what has transpired over the last 3 months. 

Note:  I have been given so much scripture over the weeks, that I will be sharing those scriptures throughout the blog.  There is truly nothing more comforting than God's Word in times like these...