No Fear

"They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, 

trusting in the LORD."

Psalm 112:7

Friday morning I woke up to my heart pounding and fear slowly creeping into my mind. I got up and began to pray knowing I would need strength for the results of my Pet Scan later that day. My praying turned to tears and then to sobbing as I cried out to the Lord to help me understand.

Because my left vocal cord is paralyzed, it affects the muscles in my neck and becomes very painful if I try to cry. So since this journey began, I have not been able to cry like I would like to. Most days I settle for a few tears running down my face. But on Friday, my neck muscles were relaxed enough so that I could release the tears of the last month. I read that chemicals build up in the body during times of elevated stress, and emotional crying is the way of ridding itself of these toxins and waste products. "A good cry" is truly very good.

As the day progressed, that "peace that passes all understanding," appeared on the scene, just in time to calm my spirit and to help me find courage. My sweet escorts, my daughter and my sister, agreed to pray and read scripture with me before going in. We parked and shared our scripture, from so many of you, on the 4th floor parking garage of the Kaiser facility. Yes, it was the most unlikely of places to have "church," but we did! How rich is God's Word in times of distress!

We entered the dr's office confidently. I was told that the cancer had metastisized to several other places in my body, an outcome we didn't fully expect. Beyond some general questions, the pulmonologist was hesitant to answer questions that the oncologist should be answering. He did say that I should start treatment as soon as possible, even as I wait for a 2nd opinion.

As we left his office, and walked outside, my daughter Jessica said "Were either of you shaken by that news?" We all looked at one another and said "No!" And we truly were not. For me, it was the next piece of information to digest and process, driving me to more research and more reading about different treatments available. But more than that, it was an example of being able to take our focus off the disease and place it on what God promises in His Word. That in spite of what happens in some of the most difficult times in our lives, it will be said of us "They will have no fear of bad news, their hearts will remain steadfast, trusting in the Lord!"

As I prepare for the meeting with the Oncologist tomorrow (Tuesday) morning, my heart is pounding as I possibly face more "bad news." There will be more "church" in the car, a long list of questions for the dr, and a little more courage than I had on Friday. Little by little, step by step, He is teaching me to surrender this all to Him. In my humaness, I am so very weak, but in His strength I can do all things.